My dear Wormwood,
How many times, I wonder, have we been through this? You are once again anxious about your patient’s good intentions, his plans to change his life for the better. I cannot remind your often enough, dear nephew, that good intentions are wonderful things.
Why, I remember one occasion when a former patient of mine was deeply affected by some story or other on the news broadcast he watched. He thought he should say a prayer for the people involved. You can imagine your old uncle’s shock. But quickly I whispered in his ear: “You can do that at your bedtime prayers.” As always, when the time for bed came, he was too tired to pray, for I had drawn his attention to the late night movie. As he drifted into sleep, I planted one further idea in his head, “Oh, well, the thought’s as good as the deed.” His bed is now with us, though he is never given the time to sleep in it.
As an aside, Wormwood, I strongly recommend you read my colleague Ragebile’s report on human news media. We have developed a successful strategy that is turning news away from information to inflammation. The idea is to keep as many people as possible in a state of anger and anxiety. There is no truth that can’t be twisted.
That insufferable prig Gabriel – I remember him from the days before we moved to warmer climes – gave us the plan by accident. So many of his announcements on behalf of the Enemy began “Do not be afraid.” At my urging Ragebile has been exploring the power of fear. Our announcements, subtle as they are, should always contain the underlying message: “Be anxious, be afraid.” You never know just how vicious the reaction will be when it comes on top of a long slow simmering pot of anger, but it is sure to prepare us a rich feast of human folly.
Ragebile is very surprised how much he has learnt about that from his patient. Imagine that, us learning something about the subtleties of manipulation from a human newspaper editor. You can see why our Father below thinks this project one worth persevering in. It gives me great hope in the human potential.
I was, before that digression, speaking of good intentions. You have heard that human saying, “the thought is father to the deed.” That is just occasionally true. However, it needs but a little nudge from you for the thought to be substitute for the deed. The Spanish have a word for it: “Mañana”.
Take the intention: “I will stop smoking”. Turn it into: “I will stop smoking when I’ve got through this stressful period.” Take the desire: “I will stop eating so much” and add to it the phrase “after the weekend. Take the patient’s anxiety about excessive drinking in the face of health advertising. Use this time of year to your advantage, and whenever he expresses the wish to cut back on his drinking, suggest that this will make an excellent New Year’s resolution. He needs first to enjoy all those Christmas parties.
Ah, New Year resolutions. What a wonderful thing they are. For the last few months of each year they become a tool for procrastination, a weapon with which we may postpone every good intention. Indeed, if you are cunning, you will find you can not simply postpone each good intention, but you can magnify it. If your patient wishes to stop smoking, you should see if you can turn this into a general wish to become fit, to go on a diet and to stop drinking as well. If he wishes to cut back on his drinking, you should try to make him plan to give it up entirely. The greater and more strenuous the intended plan, the greater the possibility of failure.
That then leads to the second benefit of New Year resolutions. For the last few months of the year they are a weapon to hold action at bay, for the first few months of the year they can be a wonderful source of strain, failure and guilt. The nobler the intention, the harder the task. The harder the task, the higher the chance of failure, and the greater the fragrant harvest of guilt.
Good intentions, my dear Wormwood, are wonderful things, as long as they never become actions. Human beings are ingenious. Why, once a patient of mine invented a new alarm clock to help people find it easier to wake up and get on with the day by gently brightening the light, and slowly bringing pleasant music up from a very low volume. I could see this being a real threat to my years of hard work. People who enjoy getting up will enjoy actually doing things. There was no way I could stop the invention. But I didn’t need to. All that was necessary was to insert the suggestion of a snooze button. At a stroke, the dynamic is changed. The sleepyhead is offered an option. He can intend to get up, but he can put off the actual deed.
It is your mission, nephew, to find the right snooze button for each of your patient’s good intentions. Tomorrow, after the weekend, in the New Year. These are the tools of our trade, the paving slabs for the broad highway to hell. I expect you to use them well. I am sure you intend to. Meanwhile, my dear Wormwood, I look forward to embracing you soon.
Your eager uncle,
Screwtape.
(with apologies to CS Lewis)
{ 2 comments }
I can assure you that he’s been using these tactics to great effect on me lately.
But the Lord moves in mysterious ways, and this was a great wake-up call. Thanks!
Pax,
Doxy
All too true,I’m afraid.
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